Dr. Susan Biali

I’m amazed by how often codependence issues come up in my work with coaching clients – either I’m naturally attracting people who struggle with this way of being, or it’s a really widespread issue for so many women.  I suspect it’s a bit of both.  Almost every week, a new client says to me: “I’ve been struggling with my relationships with others my whole life, and I only just found out that there’s a name for my problem: they call it codependence.  Can you help me with this?” 

The term codependence was created to describe the characteristic personality and behavior of spouses and family members of alcoholics and other addicts, but we know now that many people who haven’t been affected by alcohol or addictions have still somehow managed to develop this problematic way of being.  The defining characteristic?  A tendency to put the needs of others first, and neglect your own self and life.

Some of the “symptoms” of codependence include:

- Focusing on pleasing others, or doing what you think will get the most approval

- Excessive self-sacrificing or being the “martyr” for others

- Controlling or manipulative behavior towards others, e.g. thinking you know what’s best for them, and insisting that they follow your advice (rather than focusing your attention on what needs to improve in your own life)

 - Trying to prevent other people from experiencing emotional pain or the consequences of their own behavior

- Getting caught up in drama or crisis going on in the people or relationships around you, and focusing on that instead of your own life

- Repeatedly entering into relationships with people who are either emotionally unavailable or unusually emotionally needy

- Needing to be needed in order to feel like a worthwhile person

Some experts argue whether there’s really such a thing as codependence, or whether it’s just a trendy pop psychology label.  I can tell you from my own experience, and my work with clients, that this kind of mindset and behavior is a very real behavior.  It also responds extremely well to simple, fundamental changes in how you see life and yourself.

I don’t have time or space here to go into great detail about how to heal from codependence (it does take time, lots of awareness, and consistent efforts), but I do have the space to tell you about the most fundamental cure that there is: 

Take your attention off other people, and what they’re doing (or should be doing or are not doing), and focus your attention on yourself, and what the next right step for you is.

In a classic example, if your husband is an alcoholic, and you’re afraid he’ll lose his job, let him be.  Let him lose his job, if that’s what might happen as a consequence of his excessive drinking.  You see, if you constantly protect your husband from the consequences of his actions (by phoning his employer and saying he’s sick, or by doing his work for him), he may never experience consequences severe enough to motivate him to seek help for his addiction.  By "helping" him, or "rescuing" him, you may actually be doing more harm than good, over the longterm.

If you find yourself terrified by “giving up control” or responsibility for the life of another person, the way to distract yourself, and heal yourself, is to replace your preoccupation with them by doing what you need to do for yourself.  Make yourself something delicious and healthy to eat, go for a walk, call a friend, work on your taxes, tidy up that messy spare room that’s driving you crazy.  Whatever it is that you need to do to take care of you.

The best part is, when you start to look after yourself and stop nagging, or controlling, or rescuing everyone else, they'll start to respect you more, and treat you differently, and maybe even start becoming the kind of person that you'd wished they'd be.  You'll be amazed by the miracles that occur.

If you’re struggling with codependence, or have triumphed over this way of being, I’d love to hear from you – go down to the comments session, and leave me a note.  Or, if you’d like some help with moving your life forward, and would like to create a life filled with satisfying relationships - a healthy, balanced life in which you focus, perhaps for the first time, on yourself and your dreams - it would be my great joy to be able to help you with that.  Click here for more information on my life coaching work, and contact me through this site if you’d like some help.

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Comments (2)

09-07-2011 12:16

I have struggled with the problem of trying to please and help everyone in my life. This is how I have attained affirmation. Now that I am trying hard not to do this I find myself being ignored, left out of activities and called many not so nice names. How do you go about reclaiming yourself without losing loved ones?

Written by leslie

09-07-2011 12:27

hang in there...

Hi Leslie, 
I can totally relate to what you're saying, as I'm sure many others can. Unfortunately, when people are used to you putting your own needs last, when you start taking care of yourself and saying no when you need to there will often be "push-back" from those who selfishly prefer the old you. Hang in there, keep loving them (and lovingly maintaining your new boundaries), they will usually come around. If a friend decides they no longer like you because you're taking care of yourself, then sadly they're not much of a friend...I wish you luck, hang in there!

Written by Dr. Susan Biali

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