Susan Biali

I wrote about this topic , with a slightly different approach, in my most recent newsletter, and was amazed by the response I received.  Though I was a little hesitant to, I'd decided to share some of the gory details of my own disastrous love relationships (a pattern which started in 1985, the year of my first date, and continued until the spring of 2006, which was the year I finally learned what I'd been doing wrong, for OVER 20 YEARS!).  I'd nervously held my breath as I hit "send" on the newsletter, so I was thrilled when people wrote me, saying that they'd loved it, that it had helped them immensely, and that they had forwarded the newsletter to their friends, or siblings, or children. 

When I work with coaching clients, I've found that often our first couple of sessions end up being about clearing up relationship drama in their lives.  Often, we're so wrapped up in what our partner is doing, or not doing, that we can't even start to focus on what we want or need to do in our own lives.

After I began taking this new approach to relationships, everything in my life (not just my relationship) began to function more smoothly and successfully.  And, I happily married my boyfriend of five years, Armando, this past January!  We both have learned to follow these principles, and as a result we believe, God willing, that we will have many happy years together. 

When asked to make one wish, most people automatically ask for “more money!”  We all want to be happy, and most have us have bought the idea that money equals happiness.  Ironically, research consistently shows that more money (beyond the basic comforts) actually makes people less happy in the long run.

So, if more money can’t guarantee happiness, what will? 

Study after study tells us: Healthy, happy relationships.

Your relationship with your significant other, when it’s good, can be the highlight of your life.  A difficult, stressful relationship, on the other hand, can actually be hazardous to your health.  Hostility in intimate relationships is associated with heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, sudden death, and can suppress your immune system.  

Here are 5 things you can do to immediately begin to improve the quality of your relationship:

1) Tend Your Own Garden

How much time do you spend thinking about, or complaining about, what he or she is doing wrong?  Catch yourself when you do this, and stop.  Consciously turn your focus, at that moment, to what would be the best thing you could do, right now, to look after yourself and your own life.   If they're late coming home, stop stewing and seize the moment to do something you need to do, or enjoy a great book or movie.  Smile and say hi when they get home.  If they don't want to attend an event with you, smile and go out and have fun on your own, or invite a friend to go with you.  Refuse to let it get you down!  These are just a couple of examples.  The key is not to let anything they do phase you or wreck your own peace and enjoyment of life. 

2) Learn to be Happy, No Matter What They Do

If your happiness depends on what another person does, or doesn’t do, that’s a sure recipe for misery.  Decide to be happy, no matter what.  Find, or create, things about your life that you enjoy, and focus on them when things get tough.  So many of us begin to identify with our misery, the "I've been done wrong" drama.  If you're in that kind of rut, own the fact that you, and you alone, are in charge of how you feel about your life.  If you need to change something, change it.  But if you decide to stay in a situation, make a commitment to yourself to be happy, no matter what.  (People often resist this at first, they identify so much with being the "righteous" partner who is constantly offended, it takes a lot of work on my part to pull them out of the role that they simultaneously curse and love at the same time - after all, there's a certain satisfaction in being "right" all the time)

3) Listen to Your Body

Be aware that hostility and resentment hurt you more than they do the other person, especially if you keep feeling resentful, even when the person’s not with you! Learn to recognize signs of tension and poor health in your body: stomach pains, neck or back pain, headaches.  At the first sign, assess the situation and do something that helps you immediately feel better (note:  lashing out at your significant other does not count!).

4) Own Your Own Buttons

If your partner knows just what to do or say to set you off, don’t blame them for your reaction. You can’t control what someone else does, but you can control what you do.  Learn to recognize your own “hot buttons”, and notice yourself as you start to react.  Stop, go to another room, do something silly, whatever it takes to interrupt your reaction.  This really works.  I'm not suggesting you leave the room and slam the door - instead, take a deep breath and say something like "I'm going to go into the other room for a few minutes, I'm starting to feel upset and I really don't want to say anything that might hurt us."  Sometimes being silent, and refusing to respond to barbs and button-pushing, can really help, as long as it's not the classic "silent treatment", which is really just a show of anger.

5) Focus on What’s Good

Make a point of focusing on what you like about the other person, and what would be good to improve in your own life.  When you focus on the good things, in the other person and your own life, the other person will often begin to miraculously improve on their own.  This is the most incredible phenomenon of all.  Many of us think the other person will never change, unless we insist that they do and repeatedly tell them where they're failing.  Ironically, they often won't change until we decide to leave them alone, accept them as they are, and focus on our own lives and happiness. 

This is what happened in my relationship with Armando.  I was always complaining about the ways he let me down, and he was driven crazy by my nagging.  When I stopped nagging and complaining, and started to focus on my life, he suddenly started to change, too.  Today, he's like another person - he has all the good qualities I loved when I met him, and has improved every single one of the characteristics that used to drive me crazy.  I'm sure he would say the same thing about me!

FYI One of the tools that really helped me was my work in 12-step groups, such as Al-Anon.  Armando didn't have a drinking problem, but his father had been an alcoholic, and his mom noticed that I was exhibiting many of the "codependent" type controlling behaviors.  She recommended that I participate in a group, so I did.  I thought I'd discover a place to freely and loudly complain about Armando, but it turned out that the emphasis was on not complaining, and focusing on your own life and reactions instead.  I highly recommended groups like Al-Anon and CoDA (codependents anonymous), as my principles above have been inspired by the miraculous concepts I learned in these groups.

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